No, I haven’t developed another health problem. Thank god.

But I have chosen to move back to my hometown and had so much health stuff to be keeping me busy for the first half year that I didn’t deal with the emotional side of it.

Now I am and it is intense.

To keep my sanity, I’ve started to make a start on writing my book about my dropping out and coming back. I am writing in German, because I am writing about living in German. Writing in English would disconnect me from what was really going on, just when I need to connect more. I’ll write in English once the action happened in English. I probably won’t go as far as writing in Swedish about the seven Swedish years. Not enough was actually happening in Swedish, until the very last year there.

I imagine I will then translate the texts myself from one language to the other. This story combines East Germany, India AND Africa, so German publishers should be tearing it out of my hands once I start approaching them. I’ll try the local one, Hinstorff, first, because it’s all sandwiched in Rostock stories. But if anyone has any contacts (also not in Germany) – feel free to make some introductions. Please.

I like writing now. I have arrived at a place where I don’t feel hatred or anger against the person I was when I made those many, many, very bad decisions. That antipathy is what always kept me from writing about myself and my life before and in the cult with the honesty I was aiming for. Now I am happy to get in touch with my former self and learn more about what was going on with me, even at a time where I did not express my thoughts and feelings, to myself or to others.

I want to talk about this with the conclusion that dropping out and disconnecting hasn’t made me happier. Creativity and real connection with myself and others has made me happier and my life better.

There are two conflicting things I want the book to be. The result should be a timeline so it all makes sense together, but I also want to write short snapshots about moments that have stuck with me. I must see how I can combine those two things.

Heinz Knobloch, one of my German writer heroes, a master of the Feuilleton, describes the form:

Wer ein Feuilleton liefern möchte, soll etwas aufschreiben, das er gesehen hat, gleichgültig ob vor dem äußeren oder dem inneren Auge. Und was dem einen sin Uhl, ist dem andern sin Alltag. Und ein bißchen mehr als das Erlebnis oder das Beobachtete, ein Fazit muß dabei sein, ein Umschwung, ein Besinnen, ein Fund, eine Rückkehr von allen Ausflügen.” (Heinz Knobloch: Unterm Strich, 1974)

Writing a Feuilleton should mean describing something one has seen, either in real life or in their mind. And one man’s meat is another man’s everyday. And there should be something more than the experience or observation. There must be a conclusion, a change, a reflection, an insight, a return from all excursions.” (Heinz Knobloch: Unterm Strich, 1974)

I’ll do all of this fairly out in the open while I figure it out. Here is a start of the timeline and there is the first snapshot, all in German.

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